I Kinda Watched Football Yesterday

I Kinda Watched Football Yesterday

me meme

Every Sunday, I spend some time watching football, I also can’t focus, don’t like spending too much time in one place, and don’t like football that much. Last night was the Superbowl.

Here are the thoughts I collected:

 

    • It came out this week on people.com that Bruce Jenner is transitioning into a woman. When I was younger, dumber, and listening to Adam Carolla I think I would’ve had negative things to say about this, but recently I was listening to the Cracked Podcast about quantum physics as well as the new Invisibilia podcast entitled ‘Entanglement’.
      • The Cracked Podcast said something about how time travel and teleportation are possible at a quantum level. Meaning, apparently scientists have successfully moved an atom from one side of a wall to another.
      • The Invisibilia Podcast explained that with lasers, I think, scientists are able to turn two completely different atoms into the same atom. Meaning that whatever you do to one atom would simultaneously happen to the other. In addition to that, there is evidence that suggests that even our emotions are matter and that people that surround you can effect your emotions. We are essentially a collections of atoms that undulate and vacillate through time and space.
      • My conclusion is with this new information, I now believe that there are little to no rules that one can hold true absolutely other than negativity begets more negativity. Therefore, Bruce should do whatever makes him happy and I can’t wait to hear his new name, I hope it’s better than Chaz.
    • We started the day by going to Glady’s in the new, softer Crown Heights. I’m dying to know if the owner’s name is really Glady or if they don’t understand possessive apostrophies. Food’s good though.
    • From there we went to Woodwork. Brandi watched the some sort of Puppy related show on Animal Planet, I watched the Knicks. The music was horrible. They played ‘What a Fool Believes’ and ‘Horse With No Name’. When will Brooklyn bars understand that all people really want to hear is 90’s hip hop or whatever I’ve been hearing in spin class. Yeah, that’s what I said.
    • This is what Walt Frazier looks like. People listen to him.IMG_0219
    • This is what Larry Johnson looks like now.

      IMG_0220

      Larry’s wardrobe provided by Louis Farrakhan

    • I’ve never actually fully listened to the lyrics of ‘Horse With No Name’, but why wouldn’t the asshole just name the horse? What else was he doing? Also, why would anyone play that song when people are attempting to have fun?
    • If you work for Animal Planet, what do you tell people you do, make Internet videos that last a half hour?
    • Robert Krulwich from Radiolab said he watches football for the ads. I think he meant the Superbowl, but if he didn’t I might have to stop listening to him.
    • We decided to head home for the game, watching it quietly and serenely with a blanket over our legs because we’re cool and popular.
    • How many more years will we consider ACDC a marker of cool? I’d like an end date for that if someone has some down time.
    • The Seahawks ran out of the tunnel to ‘Bittersweet Symphony’. Was that supposed to be ironic?

      MR WORLDWIDE!

      MR WORLDWIDE!

    • John Legend is musical Ambien. I very much dislike all his curves and all his edges.
    • Couldn’t Ms. Dazeem just have sung ‘Let It Go’? I feel like that would’ve been shorter and more fun for everyone involved.

    • Brandi is rooting for Seattle “mostly because they have the coolest uniforms in the NFL”. I concur, but also Fuck Boston.
    • Kate Upton’s boobs do not make me want to investigate what Game of War is.

    • You got me Katie.
    • Why was Steve Buscemi in that Snickers Commercial? I kept waiting for them to describe him in a negative way that a Snickers could cure and I was hoping that that description would be “funny looking”.

    • If you didn’t yell “da da da da!” after that Budweiser commercial I’m not sure I want to be your friend.

    • Is the Superbowl when people over 40 see all the movie trailers I saw the day they came out?
    • Looks like AD is really embracing the antihero. Right? Right? Come on! #controversy

    • If there’s a person out there who said, “finally, Lenny Kravitz”, I would like their wages garnished and I would like that money to go the education of our nation’s children so that things that stupid will never be uttered again.
    • Best Half Time Show since Beyonce.
    • I really hope they finish this stupid game by the time Girls comes on. I don’t want to be the guy that missed the end of the Super Bowl in order to watch Girls.
    • So they’re really not going to show us why that guy got penalized, huh? I saw him pretend to pull his pants down, I’m just curious about the rest.
    • It’s Ok everybody, Girls isn’t on tonight. Now I just want the game to end so I can watch Shameless.
    • WHY ON EARTH WOULD THEY DO THAT?!
    • Well, at least I get to watch Shameless. Enjoy your week everybody.

I Kinda Watched Football Yesterday

I Kinda Watched Football Yesterday

me meme

Every Sunday, I spend some time watching football, I also can’t focus, don’t like spending too much time in one place, and don’t like football that much.

Here are the thoughts I collected:

With two days of Playoff Football I decided to do two days worth of Kinda Watching Football.

Saturday

    • Last night I went to the Brooklyn Nets game. The upside of the two New York teams sucking is that I get to go to a lot more games. Whatever it takes.
    • For dinner we had Gyros from a Halal cart. In the past few years Halal carts have taken begun to dominate hot dog carts. My dad’s a hot dog man and I’ll always love them, but a gyro for $4 is a beautiful thing.
    • I used to live 2 doors down from this Halal cart it wasn’t there then, I shudder to think our much lamb shaved from a spit that I would’ve ingested.
    • This week there was a debate in my office over the serving size of a Ben and Jerry’s pint of Ice Cream. There is only one answer: single.
    • After the game I fought every aspect of my being to not get a second $4 gyro.
    • Instead we went to 4th Ave Pub in Boerum Hill. It’s pretentious and over priced, but they have great popcorn so sacrifices were made.
    • Years ago I went to a trivia night at 4th Ave Pub, the people that I met had a douche bag with a Red Sox hat who mocked me for having a Yankees hat. We were in Brooklyn; I hate him to this day. The trivia night asked literary questions, I hate them to this day.
    • Inside the bathroom, someone decided to write something profound.IMG_0135
    • I had something profound to say as well.IMG_0136
    • On Sunday we predictably headed to Greenwood Park to watch the Packers. Living in Madison has made them our last chance to give a crap about the Super Bowl. I’m this close to appreciating the puppy bowl for its warrior spirit.
    • I’ll say one thing about this game heading to half time. The Packers should’ve scored more touchdowns and the Fox Halftime Crew look like bitches in the cold.
    • I feel like Backstrom is going to be a hit and I’m going to be sad about the state of society.

    • The Seahawks have a Right Tackle named Sweezy. That is all.
    • Stannis is in the Game of War Commercial! Stannis is in the Game of War Commercial.Screen Shot 2015-01-18 at 7.59.49 PM
    • I know not really, but I bet he gets laid for looking like him.Esq-052013-Stannis
    • Gary Busey is not an adorable eccentric he’s a predatory pervert who would touch Celebrity Apprentice interns inappropriately and get away with it because of status. Also, he’s never been funny.
    • It looks like Russel Wilson is playing Mine Craft.russell-wilson-and-surface-1200xx803-452-0-43
    • His name is Clinton-Dix?!Clinton-Dix-2
    • Why doesn’t Taco Bell put as much money into their meat as they appartently put into their commercials? Maybe then I wouldn’t eat so much incidental rat feces.

  • I’m just kidding Taco Bell, keep on shining you crazy diamond.
  • That onside kick was just about as depressing as a thing gets.
  • Well, so much for caring about the Super Bowl. At least I still have Girls.
  • Have a good week.

I Kinda Watched Football Yesterday

I Kinda Watched Football Yesterday

me meme

 

Every Sunday, I spend some time watching football, I also can’t focus, don’t like spending too much time in one place, and don’t like football that much.

Here are the thoughts I collected:

With two days of Playoff Football I decided to do two days worth of Kinda Watching Football.

Saturday

        • Brandi surprised me with Knicks tickets Saturday morning. With the two biggest stars injured (Melo and Amar’e out with knee injuries) and the two lesser, but entertaining stars traded for bullshit (Shumpert and Young Money Neck Tattoo J.R. Smith) the tickets were finally affordable. Go Knicks!jr smith neck tattoo
        • Did you know you can’t bring food into the Garden? They literally stopped us and we had to wolf down Potbelly sandwiches and kombucha outside the gate before the game. Dickbags.
        • The Knicks always show the celebrities from the crowd on the Jumbotron. Here’s a few:

          • Warren Haynes is here, he may actually just be a friend of James Dolan’s family because I have no idea who the fuck he is.
        • They played “Which Knicks Baby Picture is This?” on the Jumbotron. Well, we don’t really know what they look like now so this is going to be pretty difficult.
          • Someone else just made that same joke.
          • Embarrassingly, I actually recognize Amar’e’s baby picture from another game. (Fun with apostrophes!)
          • They booed a baby picture! They booed a baby picture. (Andrea Bargnani)
        • My car has been in at least 3 episodes of Blue Bloods, I’m wondering if I make her an IMDB page if I can get floor seats. I promise we won’t wear paper bags on our heads or bother Spike Lee.
        • The half time show was the Kidz Bop Talent Search.
        • The Kidz Bop Talent search inspired an absolutely stirring rendition of “Wanted (Dead or Alive).
        • The Knicks are down by 40. It’s hard to imagine that some of these guys were ever considered good enough to play in the NBA.
        • The natives are getting restless.
        • I’m wondering if the Orange is the New Black Guy leaves, can I have his seat.
        • Some wearing a collared shirt to a basketball game douchebag sat in my seat and he caught a t-shirt. I’m beside myself with rage, my wife can’t stop laughing.
        • I needed the shirt as a bargaining chip to get the kid behind me to please kicking my goddamn seat.
        • By the end of the game we were cheering every time someone actually made a shot and began ironically chanting MVP for Quincy Acy. A stadium full of sarcasm is something I’ve only found in New York.
        • That’s all she wrote for the Knicks game, it felt like a triumph to only lose by 30.
        • Off we went to The Bridges. It’s been so cold, we haven’t had a chance to go there in a while.
        • The Pats/Ravens game is about to begin.
        • Tony Dungy looks like a frail old man.
        • Cris Collinsworth’s neck wrinkles remind that life is fleeting and precious.
        • We moved on to my favorite coffee shop, Brooklyn Roasting Company in DUMBO. I’ve given up caffeine so this is a little frustrating, but an iced decaf americano was pretty wonderful.
        • From there we headed to Henry Street Ale House in Brooklyn Heights. It was really cozy and nice, but the drinks were crazy expensive and there was a poorly placed lamp that made the HDTV worthless to everyone in the bar except perhaps one table.
        • There’s a commercial where a dude hits a water balloon with a whiffle ball bat at a party and it looks fun, but seriously, if you actually did that everyone would look at you like a monster. One time I got drunk at a Halloween Party and then got bored and alone. I decided that punching my friend in the stomach would really get things popping. A collection of ghouls, goblins, superheroes, and pop culture references asked me to leave, but at least I didn’t his a water balloon with a whiffle ball bat.

      • After that we headed to Pok Pok Phat Thai, a place we learned about when the owner was on Anthony Bourdain. Honestly, I’m not sure how I knew where to eat before my wife told me all the places she saw on TV.
      • We ended the night the favorite, Angry Wade’s.
      • Kam Chancellor jumped over the offensive line twice to attempt to block a field goal. He was unsuccessful in blocking the kick, but he was successful in getting someone next to me to grab my shoulder with excitement.
      • I do not support the NFL’s decision to put puffballs on all of their official sideline hats.Tom+Brady+Houston+Texans+v+New+England+Patriots+wpFyqpAqOPwl

Sunday

    • We went to Greenwood Park to watch the Packers play the Cowboys. Thanks to our Wisconsin past we actually had a team to root for that was actually capable of winning.
    • The game was great and I got to eat chicken wings without guilt, all in all a great day.
    • It’s time for Girls and Shameless. I am so happy good TV is back.
    • Have a great week.

I Kinda Watched Football Yesterday

I Kinda Watched Football Yesterday

me meme

 

Every Sunday, I spend some time watching football, I also can’t focus, don’t like spending too much time in one place, and don’t like football that much.

Here are the thoughts I collected:

With two days of Playoff Football I decided to do two days worth of Kinda Watching Football.

Saturday

  • I gave up caffeine, I am not happy.
  • I went to see Inherent Vice, the latest film from Paul Thomas Anderson. I haven’t really enjoyed a Paul Thomas Anderson movie since Punch Drunk Love. I’m not sure who changed, him or me. I’m not sure if 20 year old me would love Inherent Vice or if 31 year old me would hate Punch Drunk Love if I saw it for the first time today.
  • My quick review is that it has one of those plots that is so complex that I don’t think you’re supposed to know who or what is going on. With that in mind, I think that if the plot doesn’t matter than the process should be really funny. Unfortunately, I found the jokes to be mostly NPR Funny, but this opinion might be largely influenced by my sleepiness, my headache, the speed with which people spoke about plot details that I didn’t understand, and the fact that I saw the film at the BAM Theater which I judge as the home of many NPR listening, indie rock listening, douchey Brooklynites who giggled smugly at things I didn’t think were funny. (I fully understand that I belong to the subculture I just described, but I think most of them don’t like me, and don’t watch It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, which is the funniest show on television. Also, they don’t like pop music, hip-hop, and the NBA, all of which I love. This is all speculative and judgmental, but you must understand I consider myself to be much more complex than most people despite the fact that there is very little evidence to support this claim.)
  • From there we went over to our favorite, Angry Wades, for bloody mary’s. I was much less angry after that.
  • The Cardinals were playing the Panthers. Did anyone else know that these teams were good?
  • I write a football blog.
  • John Gruden always looks like he’s giving up caffeine or he’s pooping. Either way, it’s not good.John Gruden
  • Who decided that our two greatest comedic actors capable of playing multiple roles were Rob Lowe and Flo? I’m going to consider it a conspiracy.
  • Why can’t we buy insurance from Eddie Murphy? I still wouldn’t, but at least that would make sense in my brain.

Sunday

  • The first place we went was a new place called Boom Wich, I wasn’t sure if it would be complete bullshit or just a sandwich shop that played hip-hop. Luckily, it was the latter. Thanks Living Social!
  • Predictably, we went back to Angry Wades for bloody marys.
  • Apparently, no one gives a fuck about the Bengals and the Colts. Seriously, this is the first Sunday we could get a seat all season.IMG_0116
  • After that we went to Old Faithful, Greenwood Park.
  • Do you think the CBS Football crew have each other over for dinner or do you think they’re a bunch of catty bitches. I bet if they do have each other over for dinner they hate whomever Deion brings.
  • Howie Long is wearing a three-piece suit with sneakers. Fuck Howie Long.
  • I might want to move to Detroit. I have a pretentious and stupid dream of being a hipster pioneer who will buy incredibly cheap real estate and start a business for very little and be a part of a douche renaissance that more closely resembles the Brooklyn I saw in the movies I watched growing up.
  • I will never move to Detroit, but I am rooting for the Lions against the Cowboys.
  • I feel like whomever designed Kate Upton’s outfit in those lumberjack video game commercials is afraid we’ll forget she has boobs. We won’t forget.
  • Well, that’s about it. Sorry Detroit. Enjoy your week.

I Kinda Watched Football Yesterday

I Kinda Watched Football Yesterday

me meme

Every Sunday, I spend some time watching football, I also can’t focus, don’t like spending too much time in one place, and don’t like football that much.

Here are the thoughts I collected:

  • This week, I finally saw the monkey movie. Boo. 2 Problems:
    • Does it bother anyone else that the monkeys got smarter, but now they no longer understand monkey grunts? Are we to believe that monkeys don’t understand monkey grunts when they’re just stupid monkeys?
    • I believe that it would take a apocalyptical situation where I didn’t hear music for months and everyone I knew and love died in order for me to enjoy the song, “Take a load off Manny”

 

  • The first place we went was The Good Fork in Red Hook, Brooklyn.

 

  • We road our bikes and on the way we passed the Brooklyn Ikea and I said a little prayer of thanks for not having to enter that Swedish Circle of Hell. I believe that Ikea is the fourth leading cause of fights between couples in Brooklyn. The rankings are as follows:
  1. Where do you want to eat?
  2. Hidden conservatism
  3. You’re spending too much time blogging
  4. Ikea
  5. Your beard trimmings are everywhere

(these rankings are of course official, binding, unwavering, and not up for debate)

 

  • When we sat down to eat we noticed that the bloody marys were served in a pint glass, which as far as I’m concerned should be a rule mandated by God. In response to that information, I used the phrase, “done and also, done” in a Paul Reisery turn. The man reading next to me seemed to hate me just a little bit.

 

  • I had Korean Fried Chicken. It was awesome. You should go there.

 

  • While we were still in Red Hook we headed to Rocky Sullivan’s. It’s a cool Irish Pub that only plays New York teams on the television so I was able to enjoy the Jets losing.

 

  • Did anyone see the NFL commercial for nomore.org? Is that the most half-assed attempt at something ever? “Domestic disturbance is a difficult conversation to start”? Is it? Try this: Don’t do it. I feel like I would respect the NFL more if they just said, “Hey, a lot of us are scumbags, but you won’t stop watching will you?” Them pretending to care feels condescending.

 

  • After one drink at Rocky Sullivan’s, it was time for coffee and dessert at Baked. Nothing funny, just good.

 

  • We then headed to the Brooklyn Flea and its beer garden, Berg’n. I did not like it last week and I was hoping it sucked because it was the first week and possibly over hyped. I was wrong. It just sucked.
    • They played “Take a load of Manny”.
    • They served cider in a half filled wine glass.

 

 

  • Two dreams that I desperately want to come true, but I’m not putting any effort into making happen:
    • Becoming famous in Australia
    • Starring in my own series of commercials.

 

  • Mike Carrey (the guy who explains NFL rules on TV) looks like an SNL sketch character.mike_carey-300x288

 

  • Today I’m rooting for the Raiders and the Eagles, because I dislike Jim Harbaugh’s billowy pants and Pete Carroll’s incessant gum chewing.la-sp-sn-jim-harbaugh-walmart-pants-20140115-001 petecarroll

 

 

  • Who do you think is dumber, a lead singer or a quarterback? Same question for drummer and tight end. I say, lead singer and drummer, with that said a manager of a TGI Fridays is probably smarter than both.

 

  • My wife and I got into a debate over whether or not Pink Floyd meant to do the Wizard of Oz thing. Brandi said yes, I said no. She’s done it, I haven’t. Someone get me some weed, I have to win an argument.

 

 

I Kinda Watched Football Yesterday

I Kinda Watched Football Yesterday

me meme

Every Sunday, I spend some time watching football. I also can’t focus, don’t like spending too much time in one place, and don’t like football that much.

Here are the thoughts I collected:

– On Sunday, Brandi and I met up with my friend Andy for the cliché of all clichés, the Brooklyn Bottomless Brunch. I packed my ridiculous beard, hopped into a pair of joggers, and sashayed my way into yuppiehood. The place was called Piquant and we love it.

– I asked my friend Andy, “what time do the Jets lose today?” He replied, “tomorrow.” I realized that the only way I could be less engaged in this season of football is if it was based in Space or starred Scarlett Johansson (I really hate those two things. Although, that’s not really fair, I don’t actually hate Scarlett Johansson, it’s not as if I know her to be a bad human being or she negatively impacts my life in any way, I just find some of her performances to be a little wooden and detached, also, I didn’t care for her portrayal of an Italian woman in Don Jon, but I realize how overly sensitive that is and how if I’m actually offended there’s a good chance that it has more to do with my own small mindedness and insecurity than her worth as an actress or person, and I did still like Avengers and Captain America: Winter Soldier, so who am I really mad at. With all that said I really do HATE SPACE. PLEASE STOPE MAKING MOVIES ABOUT SPACE.

– After about 3 sangrias we started doing some would you rathers. Andy chose to watch 24 hours of NFL Sunday Countdown with 5-minute breaks at the top of every hour over holocaust footage with the same parameters. I disagreed with this choice.

– He also chose to watch the entire season of Gotham and a season of Doctor Who of his choosing in one week over the corresponding amount of NFL Sunday Countdown. I agreed with this choice although I would rather lightly burn like my leg or something than do either.

– We went to the new Brooklyn Flea in Prospect Heights (sometimes called Crown Heights depending on who you’re talking to). This is the new Williamsburg.

– Prospect Heights (remember that thing I said about Crown Heights, use that here too) has become a Kanye West Concert.

–  Kanye West Con·cert

/‘känyā west ‘känˌsərt/
noun
a place or activity that Jay enjoys, but is filled with people that bother him because they reflect a part of Jay that fills him with shame and also makes him feel inferior, usually trendy or hip

“the 90’s party at the German Beer Hall in Brooklyn was a total Kanye West Concert”

synonyms: 90’s Party, Karaoke Night, Brooklyn Nets Game, Hipster Coffee Joint in Bed Stuy, Open Mic Night, Tour in a Foreign Country

 

– I saw a pair of gloves at the Flea Market that I really wanted because they were like lobster gloves and would be perfect for riding my bike in the winter. After further investigation, I learned that they were actually vintage French Army gloves which means the design was made to enable someone to ådangerous leap from yuppie to hipster.alpha_leather_mitts

– On the way to our next bar we passed by the evil cat of 19th You can tell by the look on his face that he did not care for my wife’s crack about loving lasagna.IMG_4657

– We headed to Sunday staple, Greenwood. There were two football games on and the bartender said that he couldn’t turn any of the TV’s to the Nets’ game until one of the football games ended. I enjoy this blog, but this sport has to end. It’s basketball’s time now.IMG_4658

– Did you know Skeletor’s hocking Hondas now? Booooooooo

– I wish we as a people could stop supporting the Rolling Stones.

– Football’s over! Let’s go Nets! Let’s go Nets!

– Brooke Lopez is a mopey bitch. (statement not valid if I ever meet Mr. Lopez in person)brook-lopez-looking-sad-01b0bb5978f7952a_large

– Joakim Noah is my favorite not New York athlete since Albert Belle (this is not sarcastic, I love them both)

– Well the Nets lost, the Jets didn’t play, I’ve given up on Homeland, and I have to wait until tomorrow to watch The Newsroom so I guess I’m ready for the long, awesome weekend to be over.

I Kinda Watched Football Yesterday

I Kinda Watched Football Yesterday

me meme

Every Sunday, I spend some time watching football. I also, can’t focus, don’t like spending too much time at one place, and don’t like football that much.

Here are the thoughts I collected:

– So many people move out of New York City. My wife Brandi and I are worried that in order to avoid being alone when we’re old we’re going to have to leave the city and start tweeting to the Today Show.

– I don’t have a pool or a kid, but god help me I want an inflatable Tyrannosaurus Rex.IMG_4524

– Our first stop was a place called Flipsters. I’ve called it Burger Bar for years. There are a shocking number of bars and restaurants that I frequent whose names I don’t know.

– I want you all to close your eyes and then picture the sad life of someone who uses the Domino’s App to order only dessert. Then I want you to order a Domino’s Dessert.

– My first “way to go there whateveryournameis!” of the season for the Jets!

– I did the Jets airplane arm thing for a full 45 seconds before Brandi realized that I was watching the game.Jets Arms

– I don’t know what Master Chef Junior actually is, but I’m against it.

…what?

– A quick story: on the drive to Philadelphia, my friend Andy began a running joke. While talking about an Orioles pitcher he hated named Danys Baez, he began reading off the pitchers stats and after each one he would proclaim, “It’s not good!” It became one of the themes of the weekend and a favorite of mine. I had him record it for me to share with the world.

you’re welcome.

– Babin tackles Berger should be the headline tomorrow. (Video not available, but Babin is on the Jets and he tackle Big Ben after the whistle. I enjoyed it.)

– A crazy woman mocked Brandi for wearing a Jets jersey. Brandi, was wearing a Nets hoodie. Did I mention there were unlimited mimosas?

– Michael Vick got his helmet knocked off in a cheap shot that pleased everyone.

– Off to our first Brooklyn Nets game of the season!IMG_4532

– Continuing the trend, red wine in a kombucha bottle.IMG_4536

– My first, “I hate you Deron Williams” occurred at 7:08 in the first quarter following a missed layup.

– The greatest aspiration that I have for my future children is for them to be Nets Kids Dancers. I would say Knicks City Kids because they’re bigger stars, but I feel like that would be a hell of a commute.

– Are you supposed to boo the dunking divas? Because I did. In general, I love them, but she missed a dunk.

Unlocking the Truth was at our game and when they were put on the Jumbotron me and my entire section replied, “who?”

– The Nets play DJ Cool during jump balls and I commend them for their flouting of society’s conventions.

– 7:27 into the 2nd Quarter – my second “I hate you Deron Williams.”

– Mason Plumlee Alley Opp! He’s the first Duke player I’ve ever liked.

Everybody clap your hands! Click the link and think try not to do it.

Ellen Pompeo is on the Jumbotron now. We don’t get the big stars yet.

– It’s the 3rd quarter and a balding guy named Bogdanović is our leading scorer.

Evan Fournier has dumb hair.

Mason Plumlee has become the color of my wife’s shower curtain.IMG_4546

– Possible nicknames for Alan Anderson: The Program, Rehab, 12 Step, The Bra, The Battery, The Power, Duracel, Mr. Anderson, The Matrix, The One, Neo. Balls in your court Alan.

– Well, Bojan Bogdanović had more points than the people that we put on the front of our stadium.

IMG_4543

– Here’s me picking KG’s nose.

IMG_4542

– Alright, lets get home and watch….I guess Getting On. Guess who loves Niecy Nash?

 

I Kinda Watched Football Yesterday

I Kinda Watched Football Yesterday

me meme

Every Sunday, I spend some time watching football. I also, can’t focus, don’t like spending too much time at one place, and don’t like football that much.

Here are the thoughts I collected:

– We started the day by checking out the inspirational marathoners. BTW it was New York Marathon Day.

IMG_4505

– My wife and I then made our way to Long Island City to a Marathon Party. Is there a better way to celebrate pushing the physical limits of the human body than drinking before noon?

– Drinking alcohol in coffee containers is a popular theme of mine.

IMG_7635

– That’s a bloody mary. (someone is clearly drinking a bloody mary behind me.

– Let’s do a little marathon humor, shall we?

– The following runners were listening to podcasts while attempting to accomplish one of the most difficult things a human can do.

Never Not Funny

Never Not Funny

Uhh Yeah Dude

Uhh Yeah Dude

Taylor Swift's New Album (Which is awesome by the way)

Taylor Swift’s New Album (Which is awesome by the way)

Who Charted

Who Charted

Hollywood Prospectus

Hollywood Prospectus

This American Life

This American Life

How Was Your Week with Julie Klausner

How Was Your Week with Julie Klausner

Radiolab

Radiolab

– Dunkin Donuts decided to sponsor many of the runners by giving them free pink and orange hats, which led to me yelling into a bullhorn, “America Runs on (whatever name was written on their shirt)” Brava, marketing department. I love your milk-filled coffee.IMG_4509IMG_7669 IMG_7670 IMG_7672 IMG_7673 IMG_7674 IMG_7675 IMG_7676

– There was a grunge band playing grunge hits. The highlight of their set was the grunge version of “I Kissed a Girl”IMG_7722 IMG_7726

– Which made me do this:IMG_7729 IMG_7727

– We then made our way into Greenpoint, where we drank more and proceeded to watch the J-E-T-S, JETS! JETS! JETS! S-U-C-K, SUCK! SUCK! SUCK!

– Rooting for Michael Vick makes me more conflicted than drone strikes. That means I’m stupid, right?

– We then headed to Williamsburg for Perogies. I cannot pronounce the name of the bar and I won’t try. For the record, it was Dziupla, are you happy?

– One of the greatest aspirations that I have in my life is being cool enough to flip my brim up.wesley snipe

– When I was watching the marathon, I think I saw a guy with a poopie in his pantalones.

– I saw someone try to crunch a beer on their head. He was not successful and his yelps of pain while I laughed loudly will stand as a high water mark in the history of my life.

– Another aspiration that I have is to someday say “check it” before I convey information and have someone intelligent take me seriously.

– I saw a commercial for the latest Paul Thomas Anderson movie. I think that it’s amazing that Joaquin Phoenix always plays someone new, different, distinctive, and real. I also think it’s amazing that I always find those people irritating.

– Before I leave you and watch, jeez, I guess Homeland, let me share with you a thought. Animals are awesome. Animal heads are awesome, I would prefer they were fake, but I’m not regimented on this belief. I believe that every animal head should be wearing a Yankees Jersey, sunglasses, or be in some other way adorned. They are there for our humor. This may be a white trash belief. However, it is a belief.

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– Enjoy your week.

 

 

I Kinda Did Some Stuff This Weekend

I Kinda Did Some Stuff This Weekend

me meme

 

Usually, I’m busy traveling around (mostly) Brooklyn looking for places to drink, eat and spend some time watching football. This weekend I got off my ass, biked way too far, and took a boat. 

Here are the thoughts I collected:

– Saturday was all about going to the Cloisters, which is not an STD, it’s a place in Manhattan and after having been there, that’s still about all I know.

– Our first stop was a Jamaican Food Truck where the woman tends to yell at us and she didn’t Jerk Chicken yet, but the Curried Chicken was awesome and my wife and I ate it standing up like good New Yorkers. I’m not sure that any culture on earth eats standing up more than New Yorkers.

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– Once we were all charged up from Jamaican Food and Brooklyn Roaster’s Coffee like a couple of good yuppies it was time to hit the bike trail up to the Cloisters

– We’re on the Hudson River Greenway. Do you remember the scene in The Other Guys where they played the White Stripes and Mark Wahlberg slid across the office desk? Well, this is the building they were supposed to be in. Riveting shit, right?

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– Speaking of riveting shit, here’s where they used to or maybe still do shoot some soap operas, I think General Hospital maybe (this is a real thought, boom).

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– Here’s the George Washington Bridge. This bridge goes from Manhattan to New Jersey. Things about this bridge that are interesting:
1. This is the bridge that got Chris Christie in all that trouble.
2. This is the bridge that Edward Norton and Brian Cox pass in the 25th Hour so that you know they’re going upstate and not out west.
3. This is the bridge that that dude that got beat up by the biker gang should’ve taken instead of going into a neighborhood in order to get hurt.
4. This is the bridge that everyone should take in action movies. Everyone always takes the Brooklyn Bridge because it’s iconic, but hey idiot when you’re running from Zombies or enormous monsters, it’s probably best not to maroon yourself on another island, right idiot? Head west, first Jersey and then the world.

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– This is the Cloisters. Yep.IMG_7537

– Ok, so some explanation, the Cloisters is a Museum-ish thing that look like an old fort or something and is filled with religious stuff and weird relics from around the world. Do you know what it really is? It’s a place that gives people around New York a reason to say,”why don’t we go there?”

– It’s real Game of ThronesyIMG_7538IMG_7539

– (Disclaimer: If you don’t like dumb jokes about religious statues and imagery, scroll past pictures of those things)

– The guy on the right is disappointed that all of his friends are missing faces.
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– (poke)

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– Does this picture need explanation? Nope, it’s just that stupid.

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– Here’s variations on a theme: I’d like to call the first one “I’m walkin’ here” and the second one “givin’ a little to get a little”.IMG_7556IMG_7557

 

– This is where Kramer got the idea for putting the Japanese tourists in the bureau. Did I mention this was disrespectful? Because it is, very.IMG_7560

– This is a man, riding a donkey, riding a cart – your argument is invalid. Get it? Internetty stuff.IMG_7578

– This is just no how you should hold the baby Jesus. No head and neck support at all.IMG_7575

– A big thing about the Cloisters is their tapestries and I’m here to tell you that if you’re into tapestries, their tapestry game is tight. The first is a tapestry of a bunch of Peter Lorres reenacting some religious thing and below is what people in Asia think Lions look like (they don’t)IMG_7571 IMG_7586

– They also have a Unicorn Tapestry that they are particularly excited about and you can buy a whole lifestyle set commemorating the time you saw it. IMG_7591

 

– We stopped in Washington Heights for an arepa before we went home. 65495_10101621672976758_1379000988053884622_n

– Here’s a little inside info, if you bike 35 miles, your ass will hurt.

– Here’s a treat, on the way home we passed by the exterior for the show Night CourtIMG_7597 IMG_7603 IMG_7608Night_Court_title_screen

– You’re welcome.

– The next day we took the Circle Line Cruise to Bear Mountain for Octoberfest. In the picture below I’m holding a bloody mary before 9am because liquor on Sunday laws.

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– This isn’t the most authentic Octoberfest I think. I only saw one couple wearing the German stuff and they were really old, but dammit if they weren’t drunk.

– I like things with sauerkraut, that and being emotionally closed off are my most German characteristics.

– When I was on line for beer I stood behind these yokels, four grown men wearing matching bike uniforms. Some of you may think this is ok, but let me remind you, none of them were Lance Armstrong so there is no reasonable explanation for this behavior.IMG_4496

– This is the George Washington Bridge again.IMG_4493

– This is me rediscovering my German side by way of Polka. Also, my wife said I could get two scoops of ice cream on my waffle.10478590_10101622928016648_6771915923239964000_n

– When we got back from Bear Mountain we did happen to run by our old neighborhood bar, Cherry Tree, for beer and pizza from South Brooklyn. Also, there was football.

– I root against Arizona in all things. I’m from Florida. Currently, Florida is the punchline and no one bothers with Arizona, that’s dumb. Look at the scoreboard:
– Water Sports: Advantage Florida
– Old People: Both
– Poverty: Both
– Drug Addiction: Arizona- Meth, Florida- Pills and Weed. Advantage Florida
– Senators Shot in the Head: Arizona 1, Florida 0. Advantage Florida
We can shift the Florida hate to Arizona hate. Come with me people. All we have to do is change blogger’s Google Alerts from Florida to Arizona. Be the change you want to see. Long story short, I hate the Cardinals.

– Rob Lowe is completely upsetting.

– I like when one team wears the throwback Jersey and the other team doesn’t play along. Right now the Steelers look like a bunch of sad Blind Melons and the Colts have no interest.

– I just heard someone say “I’m a big Steven Webber fan!” how much can someone possibly like Wings?

– When the beer is gone it’s time to watch the Series Finale of Boardwwalk. G’night.

I Kinda Watched Football Yesterday

I Kinda Watched Football Yesterday

me meme

Every Sunday, I spend some time watching football. I also, can’t focus, don’t like spending too much time at one place, and don’t like football that much.

Here are the thoughts I collected:

– The Jets lost on Thursday and the Giants didn’t play until 4p so we were in no hurry. We went to Burger Bistro to cash in a Living Social coupon.

– Here’s a weird point of contention of which I am probably on the wrong side: We were riding our bikes to the restaurant. I crossed against the light and nearly missed a gentlemen crossing the street. Without hesitation, knowing I was wrong, I quickly said “I’m sorry.” He then continued to yell at me. All I could think was how embarrassed that guy would’ve been if I would’ve just rained blows upon his noggin in the street. There sure would’ve been egg on his face. I guess what I’m saying is: 1. If someone says they’re sorry and there is no actual damage let it go, 2. In general let stuff go if there’s little threat of recidivism, and 3. I listened to too much Limp Bizkit in High School.

– We went for the Burgers, we stayed for the Buzzworthy 1994-1997 MTV Playlist.

– If you’re ever mad at your spouse sing Stone Temple Pilots to her, preferably ‘Big Empty’. About the third time they hear you howl “her deezy head is conscience laden” they’ll be sorry for whatever injustice they’ve been accused of, real or imaginary. There may be no activity on this planet with a higher fun for you/not fun for everyone else in the room correlation.

– We walk out the door while Chris Cornell regales us of how he’d like to “blow up the outside world”.

– We made our way over to Angry Wade’s, a Wisconsin themed bar in Cobble Hill, Brooklyn who makes the best Bloody Mary in the borough and whose name I didn’t know after at least three years of going there.

– When we got in there Washington was playing Tennessee on the big screen. I swear to god one of the players looked me in the eye and shrugged.

– Remember what I said about Stone Temple Pilots? You could also substitute Jefferson Airplane for a saucy reminiscent feeling of retrospection.

– Do you think the Dolphins wake up every day and think “damn, I have to wear teal today”?

– I want to meet the guy whose girlfriend cuts her hair short of he goes “yes”. I’m not saying some men don’t like short hair. I’m saying no man has ever celebrated the switch from long to short. I already hate how misogynistic that sounded, but I’m leaving it in.

– You know what I said about the Dolphins? I think the bazinga guy must feel the same way when he puts on those ridiculous super hero t-shirts. I would describe it something along the lines of “I hate this, I look ridiculous, but this will help me make millions.”

– A woman leaned over to me and told me apropos of nothing that 48% of the NFL audience is women. I told her that they should stop watching until they fix stuff. She leaned back. I don’t think I gave her what she needed.

– That’s what Kyle Orton looks like?!

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– He looks like he’s late for drama class.

– Did you know Dharma and Greg’s still working, well Greg is, Dharma I’m not sure about.

– Kevin Spacey is starring in a video game. You’d think at some point he would’ve said, “can you make me less jowly?”

– If you’ve never seen a grown man throw off his viking helmet and braids, I highly recommend you get on that.

– If Warren Sapp came to my house and turned it into a Pirate Ship. I would not celebrate because my feelings would be hurt.

– Did you know Lil Wayne is coming out with Tha Carter V? He sure has a lot of baby photos.

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– Well, even a Giant pulling a Cowboy’s hair isn’t enough to keep my mind off of getting something sweet from Baked in Red Hook so that’s as good a place as any to end the day.

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– Time for the season finale of The Knick and the second to last Boardwalk.