Tag Archives: Brooklyn

I Kinda Watched Football Yesterday

I Kinda Watched Football Yesterday

me meme

 

Every Sunday, I spend some time watching football, I also can’t focus, don’t like spending too much time in one place, and don’t like football that much.

Here are the thoughts I collected:

With two days of Playoff Football I decided to do two days worth of Kinda Watching Football.

Saturday

  • I gave up caffeine, I am not happy.
  • I went to see Inherent Vice, the latest film from Paul Thomas Anderson. I haven’t really enjoyed a Paul Thomas Anderson movie since Punch Drunk Love. I’m not sure who changed, him or me. I’m not sure if 20 year old me would love Inherent Vice or if 31 year old me would hate Punch Drunk Love if I saw it for the first time today.
  • My quick review is that it has one of those plots that is so complex that I don’t think you’re supposed to know who or what is going on. With that in mind, I think that if the plot doesn’t matter than the process should be really funny. Unfortunately, I found the jokes to be mostly NPR Funny, but this opinion might be largely influenced by my sleepiness, my headache, the speed with which people spoke about plot details that I didn’t understand, and the fact that I saw the film at the BAM Theater which I judge as the home of many NPR listening, indie rock listening, douchey Brooklynites who giggled smugly at things I didn’t think were funny. (I fully understand that I belong to the subculture I just described, but I think most of them don’t like me, and don’t watch It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, which is the funniest show on television. Also, they don’t like pop music, hip-hop, and the NBA, all of which I love. This is all speculative and judgmental, but you must understand I consider myself to be much more complex than most people despite the fact that there is very little evidence to support this claim.)
  • From there we went over to our favorite, Angry Wades, for bloody mary’s. I was much less angry after that.
  • The Cardinals were playing the Panthers. Did anyone else know that these teams were good?
  • I write a football blog.
  • John Gruden always looks like he’s giving up caffeine or he’s pooping. Either way, it’s not good.John Gruden
  • Who decided that our two greatest comedic actors capable of playing multiple roles were Rob Lowe and Flo? I’m going to consider it a conspiracy.
  • Why can’t we buy insurance from Eddie Murphy? I still wouldn’t, but at least that would make sense in my brain.

Sunday

  • The first place we went was a new place called Boom Wich, I wasn’t sure if it would be complete bullshit or just a sandwich shop that played hip-hop. Luckily, it was the latter. Thanks Living Social!
  • Predictably, we went back to Angry Wades for bloody marys.
  • Apparently, no one gives a fuck about the Bengals and the Colts. Seriously, this is the first Sunday we could get a seat all season.IMG_0116
  • After that we went to Old Faithful, Greenwood Park.
  • Do you think the CBS Football crew have each other over for dinner or do you think they’re a bunch of catty bitches. I bet if they do have each other over for dinner they hate whomever Deion brings.
  • Howie Long is wearing a three-piece suit with sneakers. Fuck Howie Long.
  • I might want to move to Detroit. I have a pretentious and stupid dream of being a hipster pioneer who will buy incredibly cheap real estate and start a business for very little and be a part of a douche renaissance that more closely resembles the Brooklyn I saw in the movies I watched growing up.
  • I will never move to Detroit, but I am rooting for the Lions against the Cowboys.
  • I feel like whomever designed Kate Upton’s outfit in those lumberjack video game commercials is afraid we’ll forget she has boobs. We won’t forget.
  • Well, that’s about it. Sorry Detroit. Enjoy your week.

I Kinda Watched Football Yesterday

I Kinda Watched Football Yesterday

me meme

Every Sunday, I spend some time watching football, I also can’t focus, don’t like spending too much time in one place, and don’t like football that much.

Here are the thoughts I collected:

  • This week, I finally saw the monkey movie. Boo. 2 Problems:
    • Does it bother anyone else that the monkeys got smarter, but now they no longer understand monkey grunts? Are we to believe that monkeys don’t understand monkey grunts when they’re just stupid monkeys?
    • I believe that it would take a apocalyptical situation where I didn’t hear music for months and everyone I knew and love died in order for me to enjoy the song, “Take a load off Manny”

 

  • The first place we went was The Good Fork in Red Hook, Brooklyn.

 

  • We road our bikes and on the way we passed the Brooklyn Ikea and I said a little prayer of thanks for not having to enter that Swedish Circle of Hell. I believe that Ikea is the fourth leading cause of fights between couples in Brooklyn. The rankings are as follows:
  1. Where do you want to eat?
  2. Hidden conservatism
  3. You’re spending too much time blogging
  4. Ikea
  5. Your beard trimmings are everywhere

(these rankings are of course official, binding, unwavering, and not up for debate)

 

  • When we sat down to eat we noticed that the bloody marys were served in a pint glass, which as far as I’m concerned should be a rule mandated by God. In response to that information, I used the phrase, “done and also, done” in a Paul Reisery turn. The man reading next to me seemed to hate me just a little bit.

 

  • I had Korean Fried Chicken. It was awesome. You should go there.

 

  • While we were still in Red Hook we headed to Rocky Sullivan’s. It’s a cool Irish Pub that only plays New York teams on the television so I was able to enjoy the Jets losing.

 

  • Did anyone see the NFL commercial for nomore.org? Is that the most half-assed attempt at something ever? “Domestic disturbance is a difficult conversation to start”? Is it? Try this: Don’t do it. I feel like I would respect the NFL more if they just said, “Hey, a lot of us are scumbags, but you won’t stop watching will you?” Them pretending to care feels condescending.

 

  • After one drink at Rocky Sullivan’s, it was time for coffee and dessert at Baked. Nothing funny, just good.

 

  • We then headed to the Brooklyn Flea and its beer garden, Berg’n. I did not like it last week and I was hoping it sucked because it was the first week and possibly over hyped. I was wrong. It just sucked.
    • They played “Take a load of Manny”.
    • They served cider in a half filled wine glass.

 

 

  • Two dreams that I desperately want to come true, but I’m not putting any effort into making happen:
    • Becoming famous in Australia
    • Starring in my own series of commercials.

 

  • Mike Carrey (the guy who explains NFL rules on TV) looks like an SNL sketch character.mike_carey-300x288

 

  • Today I’m rooting for the Raiders and the Eagles, because I dislike Jim Harbaugh’s billowy pants and Pete Carroll’s incessant gum chewing.la-sp-sn-jim-harbaugh-walmart-pants-20140115-001 petecarroll

 

 

  • Who do you think is dumber, a lead singer or a quarterback? Same question for drummer and tight end. I say, lead singer and drummer, with that said a manager of a TGI Fridays is probably smarter than both.

 

  • My wife and I got into a debate over whether or not Pink Floyd meant to do the Wizard of Oz thing. Brandi said yes, I said no. She’s done it, I haven’t. Someone get me some weed, I have to win an argument.

 

 

I Kinda Watched Football Yesterday

I Kinda Watched Football Yesterday

me meme

Every Sunday, I spend some time watching football. I also, can’t focus, don’t like spending too much time at one place, and don’t like football that much.

Here are the thoughts I collected:

– The Jets lost on Thursday and the Giants didn’t play until 4p so we were in no hurry. We went to Burger Bistro to cash in a Living Social coupon.

– Here’s a weird point of contention of which I am probably on the wrong side: We were riding our bikes to the restaurant. I crossed against the light and nearly missed a gentlemen crossing the street. Without hesitation, knowing I was wrong, I quickly said “I’m sorry.” He then continued to yell at me. All I could think was how embarrassed that guy would’ve been if I would’ve just rained blows upon his noggin in the street. There sure would’ve been egg on his face. I guess what I’m saying is: 1. If someone says they’re sorry and there is no actual damage let it go, 2. In general let stuff go if there’s little threat of recidivism, and 3. I listened to too much Limp Bizkit in High School.

– We went for the Burgers, we stayed for the Buzzworthy 1994-1997 MTV Playlist.

– If you’re ever mad at your spouse sing Stone Temple Pilots to her, preferably ‘Big Empty’. About the third time they hear you howl “her deezy head is conscience laden” they’ll be sorry for whatever injustice they’ve been accused of, real or imaginary. There may be no activity on this planet with a higher fun for you/not fun for everyone else in the room correlation.

– We walk out the door while Chris Cornell regales us of how he’d like to “blow up the outside world”.

– We made our way over to Angry Wade’s, a Wisconsin themed bar in Cobble Hill, Brooklyn who makes the best Bloody Mary in the borough and whose name I didn’t know after at least three years of going there.

– When we got in there Washington was playing Tennessee on the big screen. I swear to god one of the players looked me in the eye and shrugged.

– Remember what I said about Stone Temple Pilots? You could also substitute Jefferson Airplane for a saucy reminiscent feeling of retrospection.

– Do you think the Dolphins wake up every day and think “damn, I have to wear teal today”?

– I want to meet the guy whose girlfriend cuts her hair short of he goes “yes”. I’m not saying some men don’t like short hair. I’m saying no man has ever celebrated the switch from long to short. I already hate how misogynistic that sounded, but I’m leaving it in.

– You know what I said about the Dolphins? I think the bazinga guy must feel the same way when he puts on those ridiculous super hero t-shirts. I would describe it something along the lines of “I hate this, I look ridiculous, but this will help me make millions.”

– A woman leaned over to me and told me apropos of nothing that 48% of the NFL audience is women. I told her that they should stop watching until they fix stuff. She leaned back. I don’t think I gave her what she needed.

– That’s what Kyle Orton looks like?!

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– He looks like he’s late for drama class.

– Did you know Dharma and Greg’s still working, well Greg is, Dharma I’m not sure about.

– Kevin Spacey is starring in a video game. You’d think at some point he would’ve said, “can you make me less jowly?”

– If you’ve never seen a grown man throw off his viking helmet and braids, I highly recommend you get on that.

– If Warren Sapp came to my house and turned it into a Pirate Ship. I would not celebrate because my feelings would be hurt.

– Did you know Lil Wayne is coming out with Tha Carter V? He sure has a lot of baby photos.

lil wayne

– Well, even a Giant pulling a Cowboy’s hair isn’t enough to keep my mind off of getting something sweet from Baked in Red Hook so that’s as good a place as any to end the day.

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– Time for the season finale of The Knick and the second to last Boardwalk.

I Kinda Watched Football Yesterday

I Kinda Watched Football Yesterday

me meme

Every Sunday, I spend some time watching football. I also, can’t focus, don’t like spending too much time at one place, and don’t like football that much.

Here are the thoughts I collected:

– Started the day by biking to Smorgasburg, the weekly gathering of people who consider themselves “foodies” and/or read Brooklyn Magazine. We are yuppies people, not hipsters. Hipsters aren’t married.

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– I saw a guy riding his bike side saddle and I renewed my opinion that blonde men are the worst of us.

– The Bocce Balls at Pier 2 are free yall! For the non-italians in the room Bocce is Horse Shoes played with croquet balls, usually played by either yuppies in Brooklyn or old italian men near the grave.

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– Made our first football/beer stop at consistent hangout, The Bridges. Finally, DUMBO has a respectable sports bar.

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– When Johnny Football is not himself he is himself wearing aerobic clothes from the 80’s, not Roseanne or Joe Pesci. I prefer Pesci. Actually I prefer anyone but Johnny Football, he joins any of the Mannings, literally anybody on any football pre-game show, and Jared Allen as the people I dislike most in Football.

– Things I’d rather do than watch the latest Hobbit movie: 1. Join a community garden 2. Find out what ISIS is 3. Read the Great Gatsby 4. Watch Bones 5. Learn French. Things I would not rather do: Take up model building.

– This happened at The Bridges: someone asked me if I was watching the Jacksonville game to which I excitedly responded “noooo”. Then they just turned the TV off. Point made sir, point made.

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– Am I right to hate Parks and Rec for telling Rob Lowe he’s funny? I hope so because I’m in the process of doing it. Treat Yo Self!

– Off to Bed Stuy for donuts.

– You may recognize this court from Jay-Z’s video for D.O.A. where he plays Lebron or not, I’m not really sure. They all sort of look alike, but I think this is the one on Jay St. and Sands.

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– This is Steiner Studios where they made such classic films as My Super Ex Girlfriend, Mr. Popper’s Penguins, and Four Square (the fake working title for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles).

 

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– This is where I’m going to live if I ever get drug kingpin money. The Koch Brothers want to dominate the world, I just want creative real estate.

 

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– This is where I got married, you may also recognize it as an exterior in Gone Girl when Affleck interviews his wife’s ex. (spoilers I guess)

 

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Dough Donuts, very good donuts.

 

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– I give you, The Knick.

 

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– Let’s play “Is It Racist” (Tosh.O Trademark sorry). This is a real hipster coffee place in Bed Stuy called Corner Grind. You decide.

 

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– Fun tour of Bed Stuy, now to Woodwork for the Jets.

 

 

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– Charlie Whitehurst has a ponytail. This just in, I hate Charlie Whitehurst.

Geno got hit so hard in his chest that his head decided it didn’t need a helmet.

– White people who like reggae, I don’t like. I guess I probably don’t like anybody who likes reggae. I guess what I’m trying to say is…legalize it.

– Geno’s getting hit more than a football players girlfriend. Just kidding, wouldn’t I be awful if I made that joke. Yes I would be awful.

– How do you tell which reggae song is a bad raggae song? Is it one that Bob Marley isn’t singing.

– What is the point of the bicep arm band? (googling) None!

– This first half Michael Vick is sitting on the sideline with an iPad. Do you think he’s playing angry birds and then minimizes it every time a coach walks by?

– Well, that was an awful half of football. There’s simply no point in sticking around for the second. The Jets just aren’t good at football. Maybe they’re voracious readers are something, but football doesn’t appear to be their strong suit.

– Time for Boardwalk and The Knick, goodnight.